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Dear Dr. Neder:
I am an African female who has very short hair and for these reasons, I feel that men are intimidated by me. I am 5'0 feet tall and very petite with a voluptuous body. Aside from my looks however, my speaking abilities are very polished and I also major in Math and Computer Science. I have been told that I am a very beautiful woman but for some reasons all the good looking guys my age won't approach me let alone look at me. I end up attracting the ones I do not like. The guys I do like often times do not seem to be interested in me. What should I do?
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Hello!
There are two issues with being approached - and being "approachable". The first is that it doesn't really matter how you look! Almost everyone is attractive to someone else. That's something of a prerequisite for the approach. However, what's even more important is being approachable. I can't tell you how many women I see just out running around (not at bars or clubs) that have their eyes down, never look at anyone else, smile or make any sort of human contact, are all wrapped up, looking like secret agents - then they don't understand why men don't approach them!
So, the first rule is to be approachable. But, how do you do that? Here are some suggestions:
* You want to make sure that you have an "approachable attitude". If you're unhappy about something at work or home and are ready to bite of the head of the first person you see, you're obviously not going to be approachable. Having a calm, happy demeanor will help do make you approachable.
* Make eye contact! Keeping your eyes buried in whatever you're carrying or on the ground isn't going to help you here. You need to look into the eyes of people as this signals your approachability. On the other hand, don't stare down other people. This is a subtle dance where you make eye contact, let it linger just a little and then look down and to the side.
* Smile! If you're in a good mood, (and express it), people will be drawn to you naturally. Adding this smile to the eye contact noted above will help you greatly.
* Keep an "open posture". If you're standing or sitting somewhere with your arms crosses, you're signaling the world to not approach you. On the other hand, if you have an open posture - arms relaxed at your sides or on a table for instance, leaning slightly forward, shoulders parallel to someone you'd like to meet, you're telling that person to approach you.
There are a ton of other body-language signals you can use, and for a complete discussion of these, I'll refer you to my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World II".
Wait, I mentioned TWO issues about being approached, so what's the second?
Simple: learn to DO the approaching yourself too!
Today, there's nothing wrong with women approaching men. Not only does this NOT seem like a terribly aggressive action, it's easy and simple to do. There are very few men today that don't enjoy being approached, and let's face it, if you meet one of these guys, are you really that interested in dating him in the first place?
Women can use the same approach methods that men use. For much more on this please visit my website.
Best regards...
